Walk Away
by Rheanne
Summary: What do you do when you know something's bad for you


**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters and the song "Walk Away" belongs to Christina Aguilera

**Summary: **A dark piece that centers on the tumultuous relationship of Sonny and Carly. It's told through Carly's thoughts. Enjoy!

**Walk Away:**

****

_I was naïve  
Your love was like candy  
Artificially sweet  
I was deceived by the wrapping_

_Got caught in your web  
And I learned how to bleed  
I was prey in your bed  
And devoured completely_

_What do you do when you know something's bad for you and you still can't let go?_ Love is a funny thing; just when you think that you're happy, it turns around and bites you in the ass. I should have known it would come to this. After all, our relationship wasn't started because of love. It was anger, jealousy, and betrayal that brought us together. You showed me a passion that I never knew existed and it sucked me right in. Jason, our son that I miscarried, and hell even me, were all sacrifices that I made at your altar. The sad thing is that I thought that it was worth it. The ends were suppose to justify the means, but not in our case. In my youthful exuberance, I thought that I could change you, but in the end it was you who changed me. I don't like what you have molded me into…I'm nothing more than Sonny Corinthos's wife and I hate it.

How many times have you betrayed me? And what did I have I done in return? Nothing…absolutely fucking nothing. I allow you to walk all over me and turn me into a shell of my former self. Sure, there are still remnants of the woman I was before you wrecked me, but they're only there when I am away from your watchful eye. You never gave me false hope, but I gave it to myself. I wish that our family was enough, but it isn't because I am never going to be enough for you. I really thought that we could make this work, but that was my own stupidity.

The first time we made love was the best night of my life. I bet you didn't know that, but it was. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it felt so good to be with you. After just one taste; I was yours forever. All the times I left and tried to set out on my own; we both knew that they would never amount to anything. You had me in the palm of your hand and I enjoyed every moment of it. I guess that maybe I'm glutton for punishment. I would have to be to put up with all the shit you put me through. The nights when we were alone in the Penthouse, however, made up for it all. I was yours for the taking and when you took me, boy was it amazing. It's not like that anymore; when we're together there is no longer fire and passion in your eyes. You reserve that intensity for _her_. They very thought of you two together turns my stomach. Have you any idea what it does to me? Knowing that she is across the hall and you're with her…it's enough to drive a sane woman mad. But I was never a sane woman…

_And it hurts my soul  
Cause I can't let go  
All these walls are caving in  
I can't stop my suffering  
I hate to show that I've lost control  
Cause I, I keep going right back  
To the one thing that I need to walk away from_

My brain keeps screaming at me to pack up Michael, Morgan, and my own things and leave. But we both know that is never going to happen. I can use my family as an excuse to stay close, but that's your angle not mine. I won't leave, because I can't. All the hurt and resentment is still there, but I find myself unable to turn my back. Because no matter what happens, you will always be the love of my life…and it makes me sick.

There have been times when I was strong enough to leave, but never for good. Lorenzo, for instances. We could have been great together and possibly even happy. Yet, there you were in the back of my mind telling me that he will never match up to you. I allowed myself to believe that and threw away my only chance at a normal life for you. Even when you tried to force me to kill Lorenzo, I loved you. You shot in the head and I forgave you. What has my life come too? Any normal person would have been gone by now, but not me. I like to think that I am smart, but apparently not, because if I had any intelligence I would have been gone years ago.

_I should have known  
I was used for amusement  
Couldn't see through the smoke  
It was all an illusion_

_Now I've been licking my wounds (licking my wounds)  
But the venom seeps deeper (deeper, deeper)  
We both can seduce  
but darling you hold me prisoner (prisoner)_

It's funny, I thought that Sam was just a plaything to you, but now I see the truth. I'm the plaything...not your wife, but something that you use to pass time. I was sure that no woman could compare to me in your eyes, but I was wrong. I am sitting here, while you are across the hall with your "mistress." Maybe I'm your mistress, because you would rather be with her than me and you spend more time with her.

How could I have been so blind? I looked past Brenda and Alexis. Sure, I knew there were more than platonic feelings there, but I forced myself to believe what you forced fed me. Even when I saw you kissing Brenda; I couldn't walk away. You use me for pure enjoyment. I am like your very own personal entertainment and when you get bored with me…well, you find some new girl. I'm always here though, old faithful.

You are a great father, but never in a million years would I want my boys to ever grow up idolizing you. I can only imagine what kind of havoc they would cause on the younger generation of females in Port Charles if they followed in your footsteps. Hopefully, other females would be smarter, but if they inherit your charm, I doubt that any woman could stand a chance.

I keep my distance now, except for when Michael is around. I would do anything to make my sons happy, even if it means having to sit down across the table from you and choke down my dinner. I love you, but it hurts so badly to be around knowing that there is somewhere else you would rather be. So in order to save myself; I have to keep space from you. I wonder if you have noticed that whenever you are in the Penthouse I am nowhere to be found.

Your love is like poison, because once it gets into your system it doesn't go away. It slowly kills you until there feels like there is no relief, but then you show up with that cocky smile and the same disastrous cycle repeats. I have been known to use my charms to get what I want (Tony can attest to that), but not like you. You use your passion and love for one night and then you take it away leaving me cold and alone with no one to blame but myself.

_I'm about to break  
I can't stop this ache  
I'm addicted to your allure  
and I'm fiendin' for a cure  
Every step I take  
Leads to one mistake  
I keep going right back  
To the one thing that I need..._

My whole body hurts. Everything that I do seems to come full circle and kick me in the ass. I keep trying to get my life back on track, but I can't do that in this apartment. And I can't leave this apartment, because of you're here. And every time I try to leave you, well you drag me right back. It's destructive, but in the most enjoyable way. I don't know what I do if I left you for good, but I will never even have to think about it, because we both know that I am not going anywhere.

I'm a screw up; everyone knows it, my mom, Jason, Courtney…ect. However, when I'm with you it doesn't seem so bad. Your confidence rubs off on me and it gives me hope that someday I'll be reliable and responsible enough to take charge of my own life. When and if that day comes, then I will have broken out of the dysfunction that is our marriage. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and turn my back on you, because that will mean I am finally my own person. Instead of being Sonny's wife or Courtney's best friend or Bobbie's crazy daughter, I will be Carly a good mother and friend. Every time that I think that I have that within my grasp, you tear it away and paint me right back into the corner that I have been trying to for six years to escape.

_I can't mend  
This torn state I'm in  
Getting nothing in return  
What did I do to deserve  
The pain of this slow burn  
And everywhere I turn  
I keep going right back  
To the one thing that I need to walk away from_

I'm no angel, certainly not. I've sinned with the best of them and have done some of the dirtiest deed imaginable. Stealing my mother's husband and coming between two best friends has to top the list, but all of my mistakes I have owned up to. Don't I deserve some sort of repentance for that? Obviously not, because I'm stuck in this personal hell that I have created and it seems impossible to get out. Of course I cannot blame you for everything; my hands are just as dirty. I'm the one who allows you to have this control over me and I'm the one who keeps coming back for more.

It's my own fear that keeps my locked at your side. I'm scared that without you I won't know who I am anymore. Lorenzo knew that, but he pushed through and saw me in a light that I thought you only could. It was a comfort that he was there to love me unconditionally, because I thought that I would never find that again. I lost that, though and still regret it. It's not that I loved Lorenzo, but I appreciated him for being able to deal with me and my never-ending quest to by happy. That's ruined, now and I don't think I will ever find myself a path out of Harborview Towers, because the second I do; you'll magically want me back. You'll use those soothing words that I know so well, and I will be back in a heartbeat, because above anything else…I need to feel needed. You need me like a drug addict needs a fix and I feel the same way about you. It's not healthy, but it's the only thing that keeps us going.

When I'm with you it turns me back into that same naïve nineteen-year-old, who used sex to mask all her insecurities. All the years we spent together has created a security blanket, because it's safe with you. Well, despite all mob attacks and police interrogations. Aside from those unwelcome occurrences, I used to be sure that you would never ever turn your back on me no matter what stupid scheme I put into motion. Yet, when nights like these come along…my confidence in you waivers.

_Every time I try to grasp for air_

_I get smothered in despair, it's never over, over  
Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare,  
I let out a silent prayer  
that it be over, over_

_I don't know what to do  
My heart has been bruised  
So sad but it's true  
Each beat reminds me of you_

I hardly ever voice my complaints out loud. Sure, there is the occasional whining, but never quite like this. If anyone were to know how I really think than I would be considered weak and pathetic. Who am I kidding? I am pathetic, because I allow you to have this dominance over me. It's smothering, but fulfilling at the same time, because I wouldn't know what to if I didn't have you to think about. I allowed you to make me your prisoner and I can't start complaining now.

Still in the darkness of the night, I pray that things could be different. I wish that we could be happy. I wish that you would come home not smelling like another woman's perfume. Most of all, I wish that we never met each other. It would be a lot easier, right? Maybe I would find another man that loved me? Maybe you and Sam could be together out in the open instead of trying to sneak around? If we never knew each other's love than we wouldn't be able to compare other people to our love. So what if I never knew what true love was? At least I would never know the pain that comes along with it. It would spare both us the heartache and agony that we so frequently impose on each other. However, all the praying is useless, because the past is the past and no amount of wishing can change that.

_I need to get away from ya  
I need to walk away from ya  
Get away, walk away, walk away  
I need to get away from ya  
I need to walk away from ya  
Get away, walk away, walk away_

He flicks on the lights, breaking away my shroud of darkness. I can see the surprise in his eyes when he notices that I'm still up.

"You should go to bed," he greets me. I don't say anything, but I watch the guilt in his body language. His shoulders sag slightly and his gaze is fixed on the floor. We both know that living together is an arrangement that we made for the boys, but he still feels guilty and it brings me some satisfaction. I get up off the leather sofa and breeze past him; Sam's cheap flowery perfume still lingering on him. His hand reaches out to touch mine, which forces me to face him. His unwavering gaze is offering an apology as well as a hint of love. I nod and head off into my room for another restless night.

A sane and intelligent woman would have walked away by now. I, Caroline Benson-Corinthos, have been called a lot of things in my lifetime, but sane is definetly not one of them.


End file.
